Tuesday, October 04, 2005

funnel haiku 5 : deep

I want to find you
let's not talk about the clouds
or fancy sunsets

somewhere behind
the screen of all things
your hidden face

darling friend
the dark grows deep
this season

3 Comments:

Blogger ~River~ said...

You've written five! It's already an almost-religion.

I like all of them, but the first three ones (internet, autumn, october) have just this little edge over the two most recent ones. (In funnel-ku 5, I really like the middle verse).

I post in some poetry communities and people there are quite obsessive about doing new things with haiku. They regularly write haiku chains, where the last line of the haiku is repeated by anybody else who wants to continue with the chain.

Your style is growing on me!

Wed Oct 05, 12:35:00 AM PDT  
Blogger david raphael israel said...

dear Riverine one--
thanks for your further attention & the good reading. So long as the religion stays safely "almost," we'll hold off the worry police.
What is lost in Funnel-ku 4 & 5, and is present in 1,2,3, is the physicality (mundane-image-specificity) which is really a "necessity" for haiku qua haiku. So in this respect, numbers 4 and 5 venture too far from the tether to the immediately-tangible universe. (Other poetries don't have that stricture; so indeed these 2 fall more under influence of such outside-of-haiku poetries.)
[These considerations are (at least, thank god) closer to a thinking abt. "what's present" in the words, than notes-on-counting.]

I'm late in arriving at much interest in English-lang. haiku actually; and I still regard it as a kind of amusement-dabble. Merwin's 3-line-stanza poems (mentioned already) sunk much deeper sinkers in me than any overt English haiku I've seen anywhere. By not insisting on replicating the form in all particulars (also, he wrote linked series, not isolated verses), and focusing instead on what he felt drawn to express, that body of poetry goes miles beyond (at least in how it works for me) English haiku parlor games. Here I've put myself in the parlor after all; but it might be a short visit.

Wed Oct 05, 02:48:00 AM PDT  
Blogger david raphael israel said...

ps: actually, I realized even nos. 1/2/3 aren't quite as physical-immediate as should be in haiku. I tried to remedy this somewhat with the now. nos. 6 & 7.
d.i.

Wed Oct 05, 09:55:00 AM PDT  

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