O moon! [boomerang poem]
O moon! If I'd only known
how sweet would become my question
when its blooming swirl were shown
in your tender recollection
when petals dark in tone
find silvern seas' reflection
you baffle like perfection
O moon! If I'd only known
[Responsive to the latest fractal to appear on River's blog.]
posted by david raphael israel at 3:40 PM
5 Comments:
Something sweet about this one.
"you baffle like perfection" is so well put!
The fractal looks better on the black background.
Gosh, between your prolific exporting and River's as well, I am keeping busy. I enjoy the line
O moom!If I'd only know--have you read Sir Thomas Wyatt (as though I need to ask!)? The poem makes me think of some of his more yearning love poetry even though I doubt that was your intention.
And I am still working on 1 poem!!!!
nnnnnice! liked this a lot, d.i.
a thought at the back of my head wishes you had not rhymed. i think that happened because of 'perfection' that one seemed a bit forced.
;-)
Ah,
so it seems perchance "perfection" was my poem's imperfection(!)
However, for my own sensibility, I was particularly happy w/ that line.
In past, i've written in this form-of-my-invenetion [tho based on Chinese model] the Boomerang Poem, in these rhyme forms:
ABAB BABA
or
ABAB CACA
This one does a new thing:
ABAB ABBA
In every case, the 1st and 8th line are identical; but how one gets there, rhyme-wise, is something I'm thus experimenting with. I'm maybe happiest with this new variation on the form, so may try it some more.
Arjun, perhaps if you subsequently read more of my rhymed poetry (especially in this form), then it will settle in your mental gut more comfortably. (Every form, poet, and sensibility takes some getting used to, messems.)
Thanks for the drop-by and note.
ps:
further, maybe the real "problem" (I deem it tolerable) about rhyme in this poem, is that "question" does not in fact (perfectly) rhyme with the other words; it's a very imperfect rhyme. This might be the source of a sense of foced-ness. That rhyme is a bit shoehorned, I'll admit. It's good to note this registers in the reader(s).
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